Hello, neglected blog.
Nice to see you again.
Neglected blog, meet neglected me. I’m neglecting both of you.
Ok, here’s the deal. My new job is kicking my ass and causing me all kinds of stress. I’ve never experienced anything like this. I’m having to train myself on the job, and I’ve been sending the owner of the company updates lately, letting her know I’ve been working 14-16 hour a day just to get up to speed, and could they please stop adding to my caseload until I have the job down just a little better. On Monday of this week I worked 17 straight hours – no lunch break – just about 20 minutes playing on the floor with my daughter at one point. It has been stupid crazy not fun. The expectations are too high, the work load is too high, the company is poorly run and they keep changing policy at whim and putting nothing in writing. Coming from a government job, this is like anarchy. The inmates running the asylum, so to speak. I keep reminding myself, “it’s just a job. It’s just a job. You can always leave.” I’ve been eating, sleeping, and dreaming this job, and I’m not sure I know anymore how to create boundaries and have a life outside of it. The only reason I’m staying at this point is that I’m hoping it gets better as I get better at it and I’m not constantly trying to figure out what I should be doing.
Eating…is ok…not great. Weight is stable. Hormones have been adjusted and now feel much better. If I would just start planning and having food prepared for the day before I go out in the morning I think I’d do ok. I’ve sort of resorted to my old mentality of using food as reward for a hard day. And alcohol. And because all the days are hard right now there are lots of rewards. If it wasn’t all so hard I’d beat myself up about it. I have compassion for myself though because these are pretty aversive circumstances.
That being said, California is beautiful, amazing. The people are nice and the culture is wonderful. Scenery: A+. I miss my people though. I don’t have people here…cept of course my family. I’m lucky in many many ways. I guess I should accept that things will never be perfect. There is no perfect. It’s about how you manage the journey of life.
Ok, it’s 3AM. I’m going to bed.