Retreating

My daughter has pneumonia.  She’s on the mend but is still sick enough that she needs to stay home.  We have no time off to take care of a sick child, so add sneaking around and trying to fit in work around staying home with baby to the list of stress-causing life circumstances.  Whatever…I’m in a cesspool of anxiety and depression right now.

I appreciate the supportive comments very much.  Thank you, friends, for visiting and saying hi.  I hope the fact that I still feel like shit doesn’t make you think I don’t appreciate and value your suggestions.  I have felt good in the past when I exercise, so that’s what I’m going to do more of, beginning tomorrow.

I think Dr. K. has jumped the electron-laden shark.  It’s disappointing because I think he’s probably got some good ideas. The Leptin Rx may have been a good idea.  CT…I’m not so sure.  The earthing thing?  Woo.  I thought I might be done a while ago…but now I’m really done.

Not done trying to get healthy though.  That, and this blog, will continue.

The Downward Spiral…Continued

Yeah…not doing well.  I go away for a while thinking no one really wants to hear my bitching, but I come back to write for 2 reasons.  First, this is my blog and I can, and second, because this is NOT going to be one of those blogs where only the good stuff is reported and no one gets to see the suffering caused when things DON’T work.  Yup, around here you get to see all facets of my search for health and well-being.  And right now my search is at a dead halt.  I’m sure I’m to blame.  I’m not looking for sympathy…I’m just here to report what is so.

I’m tired, depressed, I can’t concentrate, I’m addicted to carbs again, and I only feel good now when I’ve had alcohol.  This is the truth.  My daughter is bringing home new bugs from daycare every couple weeks or so, so the whole family gets sick over and over again.  I’ve been sick more times in the last 4 months than in the last 10 years put together.  I’ve had norovirus, 5 different colds, laryngitis, and I think I’m about to get influenza because my little one has it now.  I was too busy to think about getting the flu vaccine this year.

I went to the Wiley Protocol certified Nurse Practitioner “in the area” – actually about 2 hours away.  It wasn’t a bad 2 hours…got to see San Francisco and cross the Golden Gate Bridge.  That was the highlight of the experience, I’m afraid.  She’s pretty uninformed and passive.  I saw her for the first time in December, and had labs drawn to assess my hormone levels on day 12 and day 21 this past cycle.  Apparently the Wiley Protocol insists on blood tests, even though saliva testing is considered more accurate for various reasons.  Anyway, here are the results, after 5 months of BHRT on the Wiley Protocol:

Day 12:

  • Estradiol: 282 (ref range: 350-550) – LOW
  • Progesterone: 0.6 (ref range: 1-2) – LOW

Day 21:

  • Estradiol: 426.5 (ref range: 150-250) – HIGH
  • Progesterone: 3.0 (ref range 15-20) – LOW

I should mention, she also retested my TSH, because she thinks that’s the best way to evaluate the thyroid.  She’s wrong, of course, but whatever.  TSH was 3.22 – on the high side of the reference range (.450-4.50).  She said it indicated hypothyroidism.

So all these hormones are out of range and my TSH is high…you’d think she’d have lots of advice, but she had none.  No recommendations.  She did say that on my last Adrenal Stress Index (last November) my nighttime Cortisol was a little high, and I might try  Adrenacalm.  I replied that I’m not having trouble getting to sleep.  Perhaps there’s something that might address my fatigue and lack of zest for life?  “Oh sure…there’s also Adrenastim,” which apparently contains flower essences and aromatherapy.  Great.  A big bucket of woo.  Money well spent.

I was disappointed all day by her lack of advice, and emailed her tonight saying, “Hey, how about coming up with some recommendations that actually address the problems I’m having – fatigue, mood swings, carb cravings, lack of libido, depression…and I’m not paying you any more.”  I said it a little nicer than that.  I don’t mean to crush this poor lady’s spirit, but geez…you can’t pass yourself off as a medical professional and charge hundreds of dollars and offer nothing in the way of medical advice.  Especially when my labs are so far off!  Isn’t it obvious that some tweaking needs to take place?

To her credit, she wrote back within the hour and sounds like she earnestly wants to do right by me.  I appreciate that.  I’m not feeling like dealing with it right now though.  I just want to be taken care of a little.  I paid her to do that…and here I am taking care of myself and probably coming off like a bitch in the process, which makes me feel bad.

I’m tired of my feelings.

Maybe that’s why I like wine so much now..

So maybe the Wiley Protocol aint working out so well for me.  Or maybe I need to suck it up and pay the $400 to see someone with an MD.  Even then though, how do you tell if someone is a good doctor?  There are plenty of docs that are calling TSH the gold standard test of the thyroid too.

Shoutout to N2P (if you’re still reading this) – How do I find a doc like you?

Ok, so what else is going on?  Our last day of work is Feb 15.  We’re moving back to the Midwest on Feb 21st.  We’re stockpiling cash at the moment in case there’s an employment drought.  We’ll be able to stay with family for a little while anyway, so expenses will be low.  I haven’t even been job hunting.  I desperately need to take a month off and just keep my kid home and all of us get enough sleep and play together for a while.  Maybe even read a book.

I’m tired of crying behind the steering wheel of my car.  And then reapplying my makeup before going in to people’s homes to do my job.  I’ve been going to movies at night to get away from our cramped apartment, after the little one goes to bed.  I’ve seen Life of Pi, Les Miserables, This is 40, and one other bad one starring Bradley Cooper.  More movies than I’ve seen in the last 5 years put together.  Life of Pi was good.

Well…I’m not done with this.  I just don’t really know what to do.  I’m still committed to being healthy.  I’m just tired and depressed…and in that state of mind it’s hard to focus on anything.  On the plus side, I have a BAB every morning – that always feels good and keeps me going for hours.  Things fall apart later in the day because inevitably I feel stress and try to comfort myself with something I shouldn’t eat.  Classic.  Remember back when I said my emotional eating days were over?  I was wrong.  I just wasn’t under enough stress…or maybe my hormones were better then.  I don’t know.  That was 11 months ago.  Things are different now.

Off to bed, not knowing much.

Fastest Update Ever

I literally have 5 minutes to write an update…so here are the bullet points on which I’ll have to expand later:

1.  Daughter’s Enterolab results are in.  She’ s having an immune reaction to everything.

2.  We’re leaving this job and leaving California at the end of February.  Going back home to the chilly midwest.

3.  Had the stomach flu this weekend.  It disabled my brain enough that I was able to stop thinking about the omnipresent burden of work and despite the pain and distress of the actual illness, I felt really happy for a few minutes.  I was able to just be close to my child and my husband and not care about anything else…and it was wonderful.  My life going forward will be about recreating that moment and creating more like it.  Work will not be my life.  I’m not built that way.

4. Before getting the stomach flu, I was back to my highest weight before the Lepin Rx.  In other words, I gained back that 7 or 8 pounds I’d lost.  I’m not sure what direction I’m going now.

5. Saw the BHRT nurse practitioner.  She was alright, but thinks TSH is the best way to measure thyroid function.  I’m leaving this state anyway, so if she can just monitor my BHRT for now I’d be happy.  In the meantime I’m taking Milk Thistle to help clear the rT3 and taking steps to make my life less stressful.

6.  I’m going to do yoga tonight.  Even if my gut isn’t better yet.  I’m feeling called.  I think I may be on the verge of a spiritual awakening of sorts…or maybe a philosophical one.  Definitely along the “meaning of life” lines though.

My head doesn’t feel clear but I have to go work now.