Spoke Too Soon

My weight this morning? Up to 197.  Highest. Nonpregnancy. Weight. Ever.

Fabulous.

The stress is not over.  It won’t be over till after I complete this ridiculous second-in-6-months-cross-country move.  Back to the town we came from.  You know, the one that was too boring for us back in August?  Yep…same one, for now.  That’s a place to land.

Today I had to put my cats down.

They  were 15 years old…I’ve had them since they were 4 months old.  They have both been showing their age…vomiting, incontinence, behavior problems.  One of them kept attacking the other, as of late.  I got them from off the streets of Chicago when they were kittens, and now, 15 years later I sat with them and stroked their heads while they died. I couldn’t put them through another cross-country move, so it was time.

Tomorrow we pack up a Relocube and then Thursday we get on a plane.  Back to the cold and the snow.  And maybe to some peace and quiet.

I do have part time work lined up…and it’s pretty flexible.  Like, whenever I want to do it, and it’s not many hours per week.  It won’t support us long term, but it’ll work in the short term.  My priorities are this: Finding peace and calm for myself, taking care of my little girl, and finding peace and calm for myself.  Oh wait.  I said that already.

That’s it.

That’s all I want right now…to take care of what’s been neglected.

Bye, Billy and Nubbins. You were great friends.

Last Day

I’ve come to a conclusion this week.  Stress is the cause of my poor health.

Never have I seen it magnified so largely and in such a short period of time.  Today I stepped on the scale and I’m up to 196.2 – my highest non-pregnancy weight by about 5 pounds.  Some people might blame the EMFs here in Silicon Valley but I promise you people are less healthy and fatter back in the Midwest.  I know the source of my poor health, my malaise, my extra weight, my high hs-CRP – it’s the stress, and if I stayed here it would kill me.

This job has been a nightmare of stress.  I’ve worked 15-16 hours every day this week…and it’s not fun, sit-in-front-of-the-TV type work.  It’s FUCK I HAVE TO GET THIS SHIT DONE PLEASE LET ME GET IT DONE AND PEOPLE STOP ASKING ME FOR MORE SHIT!!  Well, today is my last day of it.

My daughter is coughing again and I hope it’s just a cold.  I’m so tired of her being sick from going to daycare.  Every 2 weeks like clockwork.

So New Rule: Life is not about amassing enough money.  It’s not about being thin.  It’s not even about collecting people to love you.  Today, and going forward if my life is not FUN I’m going to find out why the fuck not and fix it.  And if I can’t fix it I’m quitting what I’m doing and I’m doing something else.

Today is the last day of this job. Tomorrow the healing begins.

Awesome

Stepped on the scale today…and now I’m up to 195.  Awesome.

Gary Taubes’ book, Why We Get Fat changed how I think about gaining weight.  I no longer sit around and blame myself for eating too much (well, I do a little, but less than I used to), even though there’s no doubt I’m eating more now than 6 months ago (hence the weight gain).  The thing is, my appetite is greater now.  The real question is “Why?”  What caused my appetite to grow?

Whatever.  I started researching to find cool links to provide alternate hypotheses to the conventional wisdom…but I just don’t wanna.  I don’t have the energy or the motivation right now to be thorough and attempt to educate the masses.  Let’s face it – My brain is screwed up.  I do notice that when I’ve been eating carbs it’s hard to stop.  Also, stress and lack of sleep make me want to eat more.  So even without a PhD. in Biochemistry I know I should get more sleep and rearrange my life so it’s less stressful.  Check and check…working on both.

I try to stick with a ketogenic diet…over and over…and I keep failing to do it.  It’s kind of stupid…like yesterday I ate in a ketogenic manner all day and at about 10:00PM my husband asked me if I wanted a cracker.  So I ate about 15 of them.  Huh?  Why?  I wasn’t even hungry.

Alcohol is counterproductive when attempting to follow a ketogenic diet.  I stop drinking alcohol for a few days at a time and then I drink again. I’m not an alcoholic. I just like drinking. In the face of stress it makes me feel better.  I’m obviously not very good at calming myself without the use of chemical agents.  Again it’s back to stress.  I have fantasies that after we move and I’m not working full time anymore (I’ll still be working part time – already lined up) I’ll be able to get enough sleep and have time to do things that are relaxing and fun like reading or seeing people that I care about.

This move to California has been very educational.  Leaving one’s comfort zone is often the highly touted route to “your real life” or to real happiness, joy, and fulfillment.  That’s stupid.  I haven’t had a comfort zone for 5 months now and my health is worse, I’ve aged myself inside and out, I’m poorer financially, and I’m less happy.  If I see another one of these on Facebook I’m going to comment, “Yeah? Prove it.”

happiness-zonecomfort-zone

Go screw yourself, Facebook.

Still here

Yep.  Still here.

Fasting blood sugar yesterday was 122.  Today was 120.  Weight: 193.8…I’ve gained 10 pounds since I moved to California.  10 pounds of stress-eating.  I’m moving in 2 weeks back to the midwest, and I’ll be working part time at most for a while.  I don’t much care about money these days…just about ending the stress.  I wish I would have learned to manage stress better when life was calm…now time is tight and I feel like I’m at the bottom of a big pile of bricks.  No freedom.  Trapped.

My daughter is over the pneumonia and has moved on to cold #32 since we moved here.  I have been having headaches this week…that’s unusual for me.  I blame all the alcohol I drink at night now to make life feel better.  I wish I was joking.

I’ve started taking D-Ribose powder, Magnesium, and CoQ10 Ubiquinol.  Various folks from the interwebs say its a good idea, so why not.  I seem to have no problem putting things in my mouth and it doesn’t take much time.

So something must be going well, right?  My relationships are good.  My daughter is thriving despite being sick all the time. My husband has a 3rd interview coming up with a company back home, so we may have an income when we get back.  Everyone is reasonably (outwardly) healthy.  I’m going to have labs done a couple months after getting home to see exactly what stress has done to me.  I feel like a train wreck.

I wonder why my HS-CRP has been so high?  It’s over 8.  That’s just flippin crazy.  Is my body doing something bad it shouldn’t be doing?  Guess I’ll find out.

Today my daughter approached me and said, “Momma…can you be happy?”

Guess I’ll find that out too.