PN Fail

Got some not-so-great news from my doctor yesterday.  They are unable to produce my serotonin Provocation Neutralization drops anymore.  Apparently the supply of liquid bioidentical serotonin has “dried up” all across the land. Hm…Well, it wasn’t perfect but I’d say it reduced my depression reaction to serotonin-producing foods by about 75%.

And just like that…gone.

I’ll probably do some investigating to see if I can find it in other countries or something, but this isn’t any simple process.  It’s not like finding a banned prescription medication at a Canadian pharmacy.  This isn’t a prescription medication with a brand name, and it’s produced by a compounding pharmacy before it even gets to my doctor.  So even if I was able to find the raw material I’d have to figure out how to get it produced.

Updates

I’ve been lacking an interest in writing.  When I get like that I find a bullet list to be the best way to express myself.  It requires minimal effort in the area of smooth transitioning.

  • I am within 1 pound of my highest weight ever.  Yup, I’ve gained 7 pounds in the last month.  I attribute this to any or all of the following factors.  (Prepare for sub-bulleting.)
    • High insulin level from eating carbohydrates
    • Increased emotional eating related to emotional unrest stirred up from marital dischord and also discovering EFT/Tapping.
    • Taking hydocortisone for 2 months.

I honestly don’t know which of those is the main factor but if I had to guess I’d say it’s high insulin.  My eating patterns haven’t changed significantly in the last month – I mean, not 7 pounds worth.  I think I need to get off the carbs ASAP.  I’ve stopped taking hydrocortisone – like 2 weeks ago – and the trend upward has continued, so I don’t really know if that played a role here.  Regarding the emotional shit, yes I guess it’s possible that I’m just plain eating more, but it doesn’t feel like it.  I really don’t eat all that much without being hungry.  I guess tracking what I eat is also in order at this point.

  • The EFT/Tapping has been helping me emotionally.  At first there was some emotional upheaval as some old unresolved emotional crap came to the surface, but then I found Robert Smith, an EFT teacher and practitioner, who recommends tapping “until it’s gone or until you pass out.” Since I’ve been following his method I’m not walking around all open and wounded feeling anymore – I tap on things longer until the emotional crap is gone.  I actually feel quite emotionally stable right now.
  • I was starting to exercise a couple of weeks ago, and then I sprained my ankle.  I let that get the best of me, and I stopped.  I guess I’ll be starting that again, ankle or no ankle.
  • Came across this study over the past week, which indicates that gut bacteria will eat the lining of the intestine when starved of fiber.  HOLY CRAP.  This was a light bulb moment.  This explains why my ability to tolerate histamine has dramatically dropped over the past 4-6 months – the critters are eating my fucking intestine and probably my DAO enzymes while they’re at it.  I tried to eat a small piece of an apple this week – a small attempt at increasing fiber in my diet. Felt shitty the next day, even with the serotonin drops.  I would have felt worse without them, I’m sure.  So still, no fiber for me.
  • I have started taking L-Glutamine again in the last week, as that really seemed to help me previously with my intolerance to histamine.  I also got some more colostrum but haven’t started taking that again yet.
  • My blood pressure is not well controlled.  When my weight goes up, blood pressure goes up too.  Considering going back on a beta blocker, despite the side effects, so I don’t stroke out.
  • I’m not doing great.  I think exercise is a key piece that needs to get in place and become part of my life.  Part of what is involved here is making time for that, and prioritizing myself and my own needs.  EFT/Tapping has made it clear to me that I’m not very good at that.  Tapping has also made me very aware that I’m spending a LOT of hours of the day doing things I don’t care about, and then I’m rushing during the rest of the day to fit in all the stuff I do care about.  It needs to change. Like this.
  • I’m just not sure how to do that yet.

Emotional Unrest

Around the time I started learning about Tapping, my marriage hit another stumbling block.  I wonder if that was a coincidence or a magical swirl of energy – the universe presenting me with opportunities to move forward in my life and heal old wounds.  Hard to say, but I’ve been crying a lot.

It’s not the same crying I was doing when I was depressed.  When I was depressed the whole world looked like shit – like a dangerous place from which nothing good could come.  This is different.  This is just sadness.  I’m  not sure if the sadness is old wounds that have been uncovered by Tapping, my marriage, or the fact that my country has decided to shoot itself in the foot.

I’m just trying to ride it out at the moment.  I haven’t done much Tapping in the last few days, trying to catch my emotional breath.

Emotional eating has increased for me recently.  Since I started tapping.  I’ve gained a few pounds in the last few weeks.

So things are not stable, but the fact that things are changing tells me I’ve found a sore spot, a wound.

I’m not doing great right now.

But I’m not doing bad either.

Exploring the Subconscious

Over the last month or two I’ve taken a giant leap away from the biochemistry of the body and toward the workings of the subconscious.  Meditation and many podcasts have me convinced that the keys to my progress at this point lie in tending to unconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

It really started when I listened to a podcast by Dave Asprey, interviewing Vishen Lakhiani. Vishen is a meditation teacher and has an online presence called Mindvalley and a book called Code of the Extraordinary Mind.  I have been listening and watching a bunch of his stuff, including amazing speakers and visionaries that he promotes, like Lisa Nichols, John DiMartini, Peter Diamandis, Jeffery Allen, Tom Cronin, Emily Fletcher, and many others. A common theme that I’m hearing is that if you don’t have the life you want, something – some subconscious resistance – is in the way.  If you weren’t resisting you would already have what you want.

I want a healthy body.  I don’t have it yet.  What’s in the way?

I came across tapping – Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) – sort of coincidentally a couple of weeks ago.  It seemed silly to me. You tap your fingers on acupressure points on the head and torso to reduce your subconscious attachment to things. I was exposed to it once before – I think also on Dave Asprey’s podcast (yup, here it is) – when he had a guest who explained the technique.  I remember him saying to select something that was causing you worry or anxiety (I picked my kid riding her bike).  The technique worked and my anxiety about that subject reduced significantly, but I attributed it to placebo effect and thought it was silly so I forgot about it.

Then I found it again a couple weeks ago when I was directed to Brittany Watkins site.  She uses tapping for weight loss.  So I just signed up for her 6-week program, which may be overkill – I probably could have figured it out on my own.  I just really wanted someone to guide me.

In the last week, just on my own, I have “tapped away” cravings for chocolate and pasta, as well as my fear of public speaking and some of my social anxiety.  I had to do a presentation yesterday in front of a group of 20 people.  That would have filled me with dread in the past, but yesterday I felt no dread.  I just went and did it.  What freedom!

It sounds really goofy and there aren’t many people I can talk to about this because I’m not sure I believe it myself…except it works every time.  What I’ve noticed is that as I’m “tapping on” a problem, thoughts, feelings, and memories come up. If I stay with them and allow myself to feel them while tapping the pressure points, they lose their power.  And it really doesn’t come back.  That’s the amazing part to me.  It doesn’t come back.  For example, as I was tapping on my fear of public speaking I remembered being in 2nd  or 3rd grade and reciting a poem about a mouse in front of my class, by memory.  when I was done the teacher criticized me in front of everyone for saying it too quickly.  She said, “I didn’t understand a word you just said.”  while shaking her head slowly.  I felt humiliated.  I don’t know if that’s where this fear of public speaking came from, but focusing on those feelings while tapping removed their power over me.

I’ve read lots of books over the years about emotional eating and it’s a clear pattern in my life that I eat more when I’m stressed or anxious.  But no program until now has made those desires to eat actually go away.  I’ve done the analysis – the “push the food away for a few minutes” and see what emotions are there that you are covering up.  But that never actually helped.  I still wanted to eat the food.  Tapping actually makes me not want the food.  So there’s something to the tapping itself – not just the re-experiencing of the emotions – that breaks that pattern.  I don’t know exactly why it works, but it works. Right now I’m trying to distinguish how much of my high level of hunger is emotional or subconscious and how much is actual biological hunger.

What I do know is that lots of emotions came up for me at first – I’ve cleared some and have others yet to clear.  We’ll see if this results in weight loss and improved health.