I continue to struggle. It’s gotten worse since I’ve run out of my serotonin drops. I can’t tell if I’m depressed or if I’m sad about the state of my life. My marriage is on the rocks, my job is dumb (but easy, thankfully), and every day is a struggle against sadness and fatigue. I feel like a rotten mom. I can’t avoid crying in front of her – it just starts spontaneously. I know I shouldn’t…I should be preserving her innocent childhood as long as I can, but I’m afraid that’s just a fantasy anyway. Tapping helps in the moment with difficult emotions, but I notice it doesn’t seem to help when the cause is biological. It doesn’t make me able to stop crying altogether for the rest of the day. Maybe I’m not doing it right.
I went to my doctor a week ago. My blood pressure was 180/100. That’s on 2 prescription medications to control it. I’m pretty sure it was the hydrocortisone that made me gain weight, but now that I’ve gained it my blood pressure is up. I’ve lost a few pounds by coming off the hydrocortisone already. So the focus of my visit with him was finding a new stupid medication to treat my stupid hypertension. We did that. I’m hoping this one doesn’t cause the sore throat/cough that the other ACE inhibitors did.
Fasting blood sugar recently has been in the 160s. I’m unable to stick to a low-carb diet anymore. The dramatic drops in blood sugar are intolerable. I can’t eat starches or fibers without becoming incapacitated with depression so it’s meat and eggs and sugar. Perfect recipe for a fucking heart attack.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I can force myself to exercise through the fatigue I guess. Fuck. I’m a fucking mess.