I’m so grateful for the relief of being able to eat a normal healthy diet and still feel happy. I feel happy every day, all day now. Even when something happens that shouldn’t make me feel happy, I still feel happy. I wonder if feeling happy gets boring after a while? I doubt it.
I spend my days now feeling a combination of relaxed, aware, creative, and at peace. All of the searching I did during my DECADES of depression gave me the tools I need to feel great – all I needed was my biology to cooperate. In my 20s I would make lists of things I accomplished so I would stop hating myself. It didn’t work, but I felt more accomplished. In my 30s I read tons of spiritual books on creating one’s own life and on having gratitude for what I have. I knew in my head that I was grateful for all the privilege I know as a white woman in America with eyes, ears and legs that all work well. I still couldn’t overcome the sadness and anger I felt most days. I remember going to a therapist when I was 32, saying, “I just feel sad. I want to stop feeling sad.” Therapy didn’t help my mood, but it made me better at communicating and helped me to understand myself.
But all that reading, all that therapy, all that list-making and self-esteem building and affirmation chanting and appreciation-list-writing – all of that was actually doing something for me. I just couldn’t tell because my brain was being poisoned by something in my gut. Now that the poison is gone (at least as long as I take Culturelle – I may never give up this precious supplement), I’m left being able to actually experience the structure that was being built all those years. I hear people around me complain about their jobs or their kids….and I’m just so grateful I get to be here at all. And completely confident in my ability now to create whatever life I want.
I think of all that meat I ate over the last few years…meat and cheese were some of the only foods I could reliably eat without losing my mind. I’m now 2 weeks into Weight Watchers and down 8 pounds. I eat fruit and vegetables, rice, potatoes, bread, meat, eggs – anything and everything I really want, I just work it in. I have no cravings for sugar so I’m not eating that. I’m not counting calories but I’d guess I’m eating around 1500 a day. High fiber, low fat. My fasting blood sugar is now around 112 every day – down from 160s in December. Blood pressure is ok – I’m starting the gradual taper of one of the 3 prescription meds I’m taking to control it.
I don’t know if this will last forever. I’m appreciating it all while I can.