I think I might be breaking away from my health-seeking adventures.
It occurred to me today that I might be increasing my state of disease by focusing on my state of disease. After all, what we focus on grows. I don’t know anymore if I’m actually interested in health or if this is all one giant elaborate way for me to avoid moving forward in other areas of my life.
- If I’m sick I can’t leave my job. Cuz health insurance.
- If I’m sick I can identify as someone who heals. An identity.
- If I’m sick I can garner sympathy and attention.
- If I’m sick I get to justify breaks from the hectic schedule of crap that I don’t enjoy.
- If I’m sick I’m distracted from painful life events that I can’t control.
- If I’m sick I get to feel proficient in healing
- If I’m sick maybe I can help others get well and gain appreciation.
- If I’m sick I can avoid intimacy.
- If I’m sick I get to punish others by withholding myself.
- If I’m sick I get to have a direction in life.
- If I’m sick I have a meaningful hobby.
- If I’m sick I get to make impressive graphs and do important research.
- If I’m sick I get to pretend I’m a doctor.
- If I’m sick I avoid the rejection of trying and failing.
- If I’m sick I have an excuse for not taking risks.
- If I’m sick I have an excuse for not doing the work to live my best life.
- If I’m sick I avoid being in charge in my life.
- If I’m sick I avoid the guilt of outgrowing people.
- If I’m sick I avoid the guilt of putting myself first sometimes.
I’m just wondering if maybe it’s not serving me so well to identify myself as sick. Collecting diagnoses, researching them and learning about treating myself. I’m not healthier since I started this. I’m a little wiser, and I’ve found a few really good tools, but I’m not significantly better off. (Updated to add….actually my mood is significantly better than when I started. I really shouldn’t discount the road I’ve traveled here. I’m just not sure it’s a road I want to continue traveling.)
I think I need to break from this blog for a little while, and see who I would be if I wasn’t this person that needs to be fixed.