Updates and Psychological Challenges

I had an ultrasound yesterday as a preventative measure to detect ovarian cancer.  In order to get the test covered by insurance, my PCP had to write on the form that she “couldn’t find” my ovaries during my pelvic exam last week, making an ultrasound necessary.  This tells me that my insurance would rather pay to treat cancer than pay to prevent it.  Health care is not best served by Capitalism.  Anyway…had the ultrasound.  Don’t have results yet.  I don’t expect anything to be wrong, but you know…Dr. K. said I was at high risk, and typically ovarian cancer is well advanced by the time it’s detected.

Got some blue-blocker glasses to wear at night.  It’s so not a big deal…not sure why I waited this long.  I used them last night.  Slept well, but then I usually do.

About every other day or so my appetite is really low these days…like I can go 8 hours between breakfast and lunch.  Some days though I’m still getting hungry at (or before) regular meal times.  Yesterday I was starving and it was still an hour or so before lunch.  Ate all the kid-snacks I happened to have in my purse, which are all Paleo-friendly but higher in carbs than I typically eat.  Oh well.  It’s hard to plan snacks on the go when one doesn’t eat any snack foods.   I suppose I could bring meat and vegetables for a snack.  Not. Convenient.

Yesterday I was a little weepy toward the end of the day.  Maybe some of this estrogen is actually soaking through my skin the way it’s supposed to.  Weepy = too much estrogen.  Bitchy = not enough estrogen.  Interesting.  I’m not a jerk after all!  When I look back on my life I realize I may have never been depressed at all.  Just weepy and bitchy…which are symptoms of depression, of course…but also symptoms of screwed up hormones.  I remember as far back as age 14 being depressed.  I was terribly lonely much of my life.  Hard to separate out the emotional effects of loneliness vs. depression vs. hormone junk.  What I do know is that it was never managed well.

I read this a couple days ago:

Tension is who you think you should be.  Relaxation is who you are. – Chinese Proverb

It was actually on Dr. K’s Facebook wall.  It got me thinking, and indeed the times in my daily life that I feel tense are times that I think I need to hide who I really am in favor of who I think I should be.  I’m going to challenge this tendency to hide out, using physiological tension and relaxation as a guide.  If I find myself feeling tense, I’m going to ask myself in what way I’m not being true to myself in that moment.  And then I’m going to fix it.

I suspect a lot of my cortisol issue is related to this…to feeling like I have to be something I’m not every time I step out of the house.  To feeling like there’s something wrong with me that has to be covered up.  I find it exhausting.  I’ve felt that way ever since I was 14 and felt truly alone for the first time.  Fortunately I feel I can be myself at home, with my husband and little girl.  I just need to generalize this to the greater world.

A new challenge.

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Moving Forward

Only have a few minutes to write today…

…so here’s what’s going on.

The PA finally responded…said the delay was someone else’s fault.  Hm…a pattern emerging?  Anyway…her reaction to my labs:  “Everything is really low.”  So she’s ordering me up some hormones from a mail-order pharmacy in Indiana today.  All signs point to my cycle not starting anytime real soon.  Lately I’m a moody crazed mess right before, so chances are I’ll get the hormones in the next couple days and be able to start this month!  Very exciting.

In unrelated medical news I had a blood draw this morning – a liver profile and a lipid panel – ordered by my PCP.  I have a pap this week.  Normally I like to put those off, being as icky as they are, but after Kruse told me I was at risk for ovarian cancer I went ahead and made an appointment.  It’s been a year since my last one.  The labs were ordered because she doubts the wisdom of my choice to abandon my Lipitor.  I guess I’ll withstand the tongue lashing on Friday in order to get some insurance-paid labs done.

I’ve been reading Sex, Lies, and Menopause in my (little) free time. Actually had a half hour to read today while waiting for the lab draw.  The book is written by T.S. Wiley, the creator of the Wiley Protocol – the BHRT system upon which I’m about to embark.  She says the same things Kruse does, about artificial light and fake food causing hormonal disruption.  She focuses much more on the evolutionary benefits of women’s natural biological tendencies, which we (or course) screw up by getting jobs and waiting till we’re 40 to procreate.  It’s hard to read this without feeling guilty…I’ve obviously done everything wrong.   I felt that way after my consult with Kruse too.  Then I remind myself I am a product of my environment and my society.  Now that I know better, I’m going to do better.

Yesterday I ate my BAB at 6:30AM and then got hungry for lunch around 2:30PM – 8 hours later.  I’m going to do the same thing again today…no eating lunch till I’m hungry.  Hopefully that’ll be around 4, and then I’ll be done eating for the day after 2 meals.  Definitely an improvement.  I remember a couple months ago thinking it was great that I could go 6 hours without eating.  In my pre-Paleo life I was hungry every couple hours or so.  8 hours is awesome.

BAB today: grass fed beef, 2 eggs fried in coconut oil, hot water with a dollop of coconut oil in it.