I had an ultrasound yesterday as a preventative measure to detect ovarian cancer. In order to get the test covered by insurance, my PCP had to write on the form that she “couldn’t find” my ovaries during my pelvic exam last week, making an ultrasound necessary. This tells me that my insurance would rather pay to treat cancer than pay to prevent it. Health care is not best served by Capitalism. Anyway…had the ultrasound. Don’t have results yet. I don’t expect anything to be wrong, but you know…Dr. K. said I was at high risk, and typically ovarian cancer is well advanced by the time it’s detected.
Got some blue-blocker glasses to wear at night. It’s so not a big deal…not sure why I waited this long. I used them last night. Slept well, but then I usually do.
About every other day or so my appetite is really low these days…like I can go 8 hours between breakfast and lunch. Some days though I’m still getting hungry at (or before) regular meal times. Yesterday I was starving and it was still an hour or so before lunch. Ate all the kid-snacks I happened to have in my purse, which are all Paleo-friendly but higher in carbs than I typically eat. Oh well. It’s hard to plan snacks on the go when one doesn’t eat any snack foods. I suppose I could bring meat and vegetables for a snack. Not. Convenient.
Yesterday I was a little weepy toward the end of the day. Maybe some of this estrogen is actually soaking through my skin the way it’s supposed to. Weepy = too much estrogen. Bitchy = not enough estrogen. Interesting. I’m not a jerk after all! When I look back on my life I realize I may have never been depressed at all. Just weepy and bitchy…which are symptoms of depression, of course…but also symptoms of screwed up hormones. I remember as far back as age 14 being depressed. I was terribly lonely much of my life. Hard to separate out the emotional effects of loneliness vs. depression vs. hormone junk. What I do know is that it was never managed well.
I read this a couple days ago:
Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. – Chinese Proverb
It was actually on Dr. K’s Facebook wall. It got me thinking, and indeed the times in my daily life that I feel tense are times that I think I need to hide who I really am in favor of who I think I should be. I’m going to challenge this tendency to hide out, using physiological tension and relaxation as a guide. If I find myself feeling tense, I’m going to ask myself in what way I’m not being true to myself in that moment. And then I’m going to fix it.
I suspect a lot of my cortisol issue is related to this…to feeling like I have to be something I’m not every time I step out of the house. To feeling like there’s something wrong with me that has to be covered up. I find it exhausting. I’ve felt that way ever since I was 14 and felt truly alone for the first time. Fortunately I feel I can be myself at home, with my husband and little girl. I just need to generalize this to the greater world.
A new challenge.